Monday, November 29, 2010

Grumpy Grandpa

My grandpa passed away Friday night.  He was 96, and ill, and so it was not surprising or even, to me, particularly sad.  I was thankful that we had visited with him a few months ago, prior to his foray into the hospital and nursing home, while he was still at home and still able to discuss the oil business with my husband.
My grandpa was not the kind of grandpa to bounce me on his knee, or to play with me, or even to smile much.  He was, to be completely frank, a gruff and grumpy man.  He would sit at the head of the dinner table, in complete silence, not joining in the dinner table conversation or even acknowledging that other people were there.  His plate was always filled, not by him.  My grandma would sit beside him, only sometimes asking if he wanted more before filling his plate.  He was a teetotaller, but also extraordinarily health conscious, so when he read that red wine was good for the heart, he purchased a gigantic jug of cheap, sweet Kelowna Royal Red.  After dinner he would pour himself half a cup of that swill, directly into the glass that he had just drained of milk. 
Just thinking about that makes me smile.
He was essentially useless in the kitchen.  I very much doubt that he could have made himself a sandwich.  But once, many years ago, my younger brother and I were encamped in his living room, embarking on what was probably our fiftieth round of Rummikub, bored out of our trees on that Christmas holiday.  My mother had taken my grandma shopping, and yet we heard an immense amount of banging and rustling from the kitchen.  We exchanged looks and continued with our game.  After thirty minutes of that noise, my grandpa emerged, carrying a plastic bowl of tortilla chips.  “Here,” he said gruffly, “You kids like these.”
He rarely acknowledged that he liked anything, but if he did, he would say “That’s pretty good.”  When I received my master’s degree, he said that it was “real good”.  And once, once I was visiting them at Easter.  I was a teenager at the time, and I came to the breakfast table dressed in a skirt, ready for the church service.  “Well,” he said, “Well.  You’ll be the prettiest girl at church today.”  He never said anything like that in my hearing before or since.
He was divorced, with four children – the youngest was my father – in a time and place where that would have been considered somewhat unusual.  He married my grandma, who was a widow with six children.  I am one of thirty one grandchildren.  There are lots of great grandchildren and even some great-great grandchildren.  I lost count.  He liked having family around him, even though he didn’t show it in a particularly conventional way.
He was gruff and silent, and he had a huge family and a long life.  I will always smile when I think of my grumpy grandpa.

Friday, November 26, 2010

I WIN!

I have been having a very stressful and emotional week, and that was even before it became apparent that my stressful and emotional week was exacerbated by the fact that it was coinciding with my monthly stressful and emotional week.  You can imagine the tears and chocolate eating that have been going on around here.  And this is where I make a public service announcement: if you decide to stock up on the new Peppermint Lindor with the intention of passing them out to people in a Santa-like and also join-my-cult-like way, and that stocking up coincides with an emotional and stressful week, you can be assured that you will not pass along any of those Peppermint Lindors but instead you will attempt to consume them all yourself until you resemble Santa in a physical, rather than a metaphorical way. 

That's how my week was going, so you can imagine my excitement when Kimberly from Make Mommy Go Something Something gave me this:



It's an award!!  I've never received a blog award before!  I feel IRRESISTABLE!  Thanks Kimberly!

It's Friday, and I'm all T to the G.I.Friday.  I need some laughs, so I stole the idea of "Funny Friday" from my friend Allison over at Bibliomama.  Hey, Allison, you're irresistable too!  I'm passing that award along to you.

I wish I had the kind of witty, dry, British humour that people tend to associate with intelligence and higher breeding, but unfortunately for me I am Scottish-Norweigan and my sense of humour tends to the low-brow or gutter variety.  Which is to say, this is one of my all-time favourite movie scenes.  That whole movie is filled with many enjoyable moments and lines, such as "We're going streaking!  Bring your green hat, let's go!" or "Denver!  The Sunshine State."  Last weekend I watched You Don't Mess With The Zohan and, while it wasn't as funny as one might think a movie about an Israeli commando-turned-hairdresser might be, it did have some good visuals, such as the scene where he goes clubbing wearing cut-off shorts and a silky shirt.  I tried to find that picture but all I found was this:

photo from RottenTomatoes.com
If you have a dog, you may really appreciate this post on moving with two less-than-gifted dogs.  I really could identify with the dog who magically made his own food.  Good times. 

So, if you share my kind of humour, enjoy those links and have a good laugh this Friday! 

Monday, November 22, 2010

I just want to eat my COOKIE!

How was your weekend?  It has been painfully cold around here – so cold that I gave the boys the warm fleece pajamas that I was saving for Christmas – and so I spent a large part of the weekend pleasantly bustling around the house, baking things and making batch after batch of cookie dough in preparation for holiday baking.
Speaking of cookies, have you seen this video of the CEO of Alberta Health Services, refusing to answer media questions on the grounds that he was too busy eating a cookie?  You can’t make this stuff up.  I think the funniest part is how shrill his voice is when he says “I am interested in eating my COOKIE.”  Good times.  I think I’m going to start responding like that whenever anyone asks me anything.  “I am STILL eating my COOKIE.”  Maybe I’ll shove the cookie in the questioner’s face, just for fun.  Actually, since most people who ask me for things are my children, they probably would appreciate that.  To a kid, eating cookies is serious business.
While I was baking things and running errands and discovering that Lindor now makes PEPPERMINT CHOCOLATES – Mother of God, it is the most amazing discovery since frozen After-Eights – my husband continued his painting rampage that has been going on for the past few months.  This weekend he started painting Mark’s room a deep blue, a nice change from the dull brown colour it has been since before we had kids and that room was an office.  Anyway, he took everything out of Mark’s closet, which is apparently a catch-all for all kinds of things that we forgot we had.  Like a 1980’s version of Trivial Pursuit.
And this is where I say I don’t know why I bought the children any toys for Christmas, because if you give them an extremely outdated version of Trivial Pursuit, they will be occupied for hours.  And no, I am not boasting about my precocious children and their intimate knowledge of Arts and Literature and Geography and how they somehow knew who Phyllis Diller was in the Entertainment category.  No.  I just mean that Jake opened up his very own bakery and made pies all day long.

He made pies like a samurai!  While using the Chutes and Ladders board.
 While Jake was busy force-feeding the rest of the family pie, Mark set up the actual game board and started a complex game using wooly mammoths, sabre-tooth tigers, and pirates.


If that wasn't enough excitement for one day, they also found a giant foam finger from my days as a working girl, as opposed to my days as a household drudge/ bon-bon eating housewife.

This picture is absolutely hilarious to me.  Worth a thousand words, I tell you.
And for those of you in more moderate climes, here is a view out my back door:


It looks pretty, anyway.  Check out one of my gardens!


There are leaves still on the shrubs!  Poor things.

So tell me, how was your weekend?  And do cookies trump serious conversation?  Discuss.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I Don't Have Bieber Fever

This week saw the culmination of all my book fair coordination efforts.  I have been living and breathing the book fair.  My life has been consumed by the book fair.  I was even, unbelievably, dreaming about the book fair.  Now the book fair is over and I feel empty inside.
Actually I just feel exhausted.  I’m used to my life of leisure, and this week took a surprising amount of effort.  I would like to give a shout-out to working mothers everywhere, because this simple week of volunteer work left me exhausted and overwhelmed by such things as the laundry and making dinner. 
Nonetheless I very much enjoyed it, not the least because I feel like a minor celebrity, known around the school as “The Book Fair Lady”, as opposed to my previous title of “Mark/Jake’s Mom”.  When I walk down the hall I get students excitedly waving to me and bombarding me with questions about the availability or otherwise of the latest Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and if we have any of those UV Light Pens left.  Those crappy pens became the bane of my existence.  Kids kept coming back with defective pens and buyer’s remorse.  
Adding to my feeling of general fatigue is the fact that it is bitterly cold and snowing, and getting the boys to get their gigantic layers of snow pants, winter coats, hats, neck warmers, mittens and boots on in a semi-timely fashion and getting out the door several times a day is tiring.  My kids come home for their fifty-five minute lunch hour, and the scramble to get them home, fed, and back is seriously trying what is left of my sanity.  Given that Mark takes a solid ten minutes to actually get out of his classroom with his many, many layers on, by the time we get home and peel off the layers they have approximately ten minutes to eat before starting the whole process over again.  It’s enough to make me eye the bottle of wine on the counter longingly.  (NOTE: I only eye the bottle.  I am a very responsible, non-drinking-before-bedtime kind of mother.  Don’t want to give the wrong impression here.)
Speaking of trying my sanity, the book fair was stocked with piles of books about Justin Bieber, posters of Justin Bieber, and even stickers proclaiming “I have Bieber Fever” and “I am Justin Bieber’s Favourite Girl”.  Frankly, I don’t get the appeal.  When I was the age of the girls who were excitedly pawing through the various Bieber merchandise, my pretend boyfriend was this guy:


I can still rock out to his music.  Justin Bieber, on the other hand...

I don’t like to be negative, but seriously?  What is with his HAIR?  Hoo boy, I just realized that made me sound like my father.  It's not enough that I've inherited his prematurely grey hair, now I'm critiquing tween pop culture?  Sigh.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Naughty? Or nice?

Did you know it is 41 days until Christmas?  That’s less than six weeks!  Squee!
I am feeling extraordinarily festive today.  We put up the exterior decorations – and by “we” I mean “my husband” – and I have been bustling around figuring out how many family pictures to print for the Christmas cards and what pictures to put in the calendars we send the grandparents, and when to start baking things.  The latter feels a bit strange, since we still have overflowing bags of Halloween candy, but whatever.  Things are festive around here.
As an aside, I know there is a practice of parents purchasing Halloween candy from their children, presumably to keep them from eating sugary treats.  What then happens to the Halloween candy?  Do the parents consume it themselves?  Does it get donated somewhere?  Or thrown out?  And if it gets thrown out, why go Trick or Treating anyway? 
Does anyone still send out holiday cards?  I love addressing cards and adding pictures and a holiday newsletter; it is never a chore to me.  However, I was looking at last year’s holiday newsletter, and I realized that, other than the kids’ ages and grades, there is nothing new to put in this year’s letter.  Would it be funny to send out the exact same letter with the pertinent information crossed out and rewritten?  Probably not. 
Part of the reason I feel so festive is that, other than three small items which I can pick up this week, I have completed my Christmas shopping.  This is a huge deal to me.  I always try to finish by mid-November because the mere thought of going to the mall and being faced with people who are ready to THROW DOWN over a parking space and who may just kill someone over the last Zhu Zhu Pet and the mile-long of lineup of sobbing, hysterical children dressed to the nines just to sit on the creepy mall Santa’s lap gives me heart palpitations.  Nicole’s number one holiday hint: to keep the Christmas spirit, avoid the mall at all costs. 
And remember: there is room for everyone on the Nice List!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Postcards

Remembrance Day, to me, conjures up images of the World Wars.  I think about mothers, like me, with sons who were drafted and never came home and with sons who were drafted and did come home, scarred.  I think about the elderly veterans who have seen and experienced unimaginable things, and I think about their mothers crying with joy when their sons came home. 
I admit I don’t always think about Afghanistan.  It’s strange, because my husband’s close friend, someone who I admire, has served over there, and yet that is not what immediately comes to mind on Remembrance Day. 
At school all the kids made postcards for Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan, “Postcards for Peace”.  They were to be given to a soldier, a master corporal, at their Remembrance Day assembly today.  Each class had a student present the soldier with their postcards, and Jake was selected from the kindergarten class to do this.
The master corporal first spoke to the children about Remembrance Day, about serving in Afghanistan, using terms and anecdotes that were appropriate for a young audience.  He spoke about the heat, and the houses made from mud, and the children who would come and ask the troops for candy and pens and paper, the children with no schools and no toys, the children who would point out the landmines to the soldiers.  He spoke about the children who were killed when a bomb went off near the military base, and how they did not allow local children to approach them any more due to the inherent dangers.  He explained that his own parents were worried when he went on his tour of duty; he said that he was their special boy, and that they were worried that he would be hurt.
The children from each class lined up to give the master corporal their postcards.  Jake was last.  He walked towards him, the length of the gymnasium, and then turned to go back to his seat, postcards still in hand.  Prompting from a teacher had him heading back towards the soldier, only to take another wrong turn.  Finally, the soldier in his dress uniform crouched down, smiling and beckoning to Jake, who was proudly dressed up in his new shirt with a poppy pinned to it.  Jake solemnly handed the soldier his class’ contributions.
And I thought, there is my special boy.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Knowing Me, Knowing You, the Barfing Edition

On Thursday I was talking to a friend, and we noted all the kids missing and sick at the school.  “There sure is a lot going around,” I said to her, “I just hope if we get it, we get it right away and get over it before the book fair.”  That very night, Mark woke up vomiting and continued vomiting every half hour for the duration of the night and well into mid-morning.
It’s good to see the universe is listening to me.
Mark is on the mend now, and no one else has come down with it so far, a phenomenon that seems mysterious, lucky, and ominous all at once.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.  I also think I’ve gotten soft.  The morning after the all-night barf fest, I pulled myself out of bed with very little sleep and was hardly able to function.  When the kids were small, that would have been an average night’s sleep.  Evidently when they were small I was in a zombie state all the time; after one bad night I felt completely inebriated.  I walked into the wall not once but twice.  How did I function back then?  I guess it is something you get used to.  
The weekend has therefore felt very disjointed, what with Mark in recovery mode and me obsessively monitoring everyone else for possible illness, and also the evil, accursed time change, which I complain about every year and yet it exists still. 
So I have decided, this month, to participate in the Fairy Blogmother's Knowing Me, Knowing You since my creativity has been sapped from all the BARFING.  And worrying about barfing.  And being indignant about time change and how it still exists even though I want it not to.  How rude!
1) What's on your Christmas Wish List?
My Christmas list is exactly the same every year: books, pajamas, and yoga wear.  I also am planning on asking for gloves this year.   
2) Do you have a handheld video game in your house?
No.  We're Luddites.  Although I'm not sure how much longer that will last given the boys are all aware of video games and whatnot.
3) Are you participating in the 25 Days of Christmas challenge?
This is the first I've heard of this.  So maybe?  I'm not sure I can think of 25 Christmas themed family activities, offhand.  But it does sound fun.
4) What is your favourite kind of cookie?
Gingersnaps!  Chocolate chip!  Oatmeal chocolate chip!  Gingerbread!  I love cookies.
5) Coffee or tea?
Coffee.  Coffee.  Coffee.  I drink a lot of coffee.  I was over at a friend's house with Jake for a playdate and she asked if I wanted some tea.  I requested something herbal, since I had already consumed eight cups of coffee that day.  She turned around, and gasped "PARDON ME?"  I felt like I had just told her I prostituted myself out for a hit of heroin right before the playdate, and if she didn't mind, I would just drink my wine out of the bottle in the paper bag that I brought along.  So evidently I should cut back on the coffee, just to fit into society and all that.  Like that little boy who dressed up as Daphne for Halloween!  But the boys are getting hungry and my housewifely duties are calling, and so that is a topic for another day.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Travel at the Yummy Mummy Club

Hi everyone, I have a little something up at Yummy Mummy Club, and it's all about travelling with NO TECHNOLOGICAL EQUIPMENT.  Yikes!  Check it out, pretty please, and if you could leave a comment I would be forever grateful!  xo

Monday, November 1, 2010

Whew! It's November!

Did you survive Halloween?  Honestly, I wasn’t 100% sure we were going to make it through the day yesterday.  The kids were completely wired with Trick or Treating on the horizon.  At one point they were running laps around the house – which is not an uncommon occurrence, really – and I thought they were literally going to bounce off the walls.  Fortunately it was warm enough for them to be sent outside to play.  At one point I saw them setting up the small, empty plastic swimming pool at the bottom of the deck steps and taking turns jumping into it.  Just when I thought someone was going to break something, they switched activities and decided to take shovelfuls of dirt from one garden and run it across the yard to another garden.  Ah, childhood.  To have that kind of energy for such busywork.
Finally it was time for Trick or Treating:
We carved all four of those pumpkins yesterday afternoon.  Nothing like leaving the carving of FOUR PUMPKINS to the very last minute.
As usual there were very few Trick or Treaters on our street, and that combined with the fact that our surrounding neighbours dote on the boys and get many large treats specifically for them resulted in the boys obtaining obscene amounts of candy.  My general policy on Halloween treats is to let the kids have as much as they want for the first few days, and then the novelty wears off and they lose interest in it.  My other policy is to help myself to the giant buckets of candy popcorn that one neighbour always gets for them.  Nom nom. 
Friday night the kids’ school held a Halloween Family Dance, organized by one of my very good friends – the one of the famed cake-making skills – and it was, in her words, EPIC.  It was very fun although I did feel somewhat surreal when the DJ played I LikeTo Move It.  I felt like I was transported back to 1994 and that I should have been drinking cheap vodka slimes out of a jug and wearing a way sluttier outfit whilst dancing with some guy dressed up as Elwood Blues or similar.  As it was I went as a witch:

Scary! 
What was your favourite costume as a child?  I remember dressing up, strangely enough, as Miss Canada when I was about seven or eight.  I just loved that, even more than my gypsy costume at age six.  Do kids still dress up as gypsies?  It doesn’t seem so politically correct.  Remember when everyone used to dress up as hobos?  That strikes me as strange now, children dressing up as homeless people down on their luck.  I also remember – albeit hazily – dressing as a rag doll in my very early twenties.  Ah, there’s nothing like the sight of a grown woman in a rag doll outfit, tearing up the dance floor and doing tequila shots, now is there?  CLASSY. 
So tell me, how was your Halloween?  Did you dress up?  Did you Trick or Treat?  Or are you a Halloween Grinch, one who turns out all the lights and closes the drapes?  I love Halloween, but I can tell you, I’m happy it only comes once a year and that we have another year before the next one.  Maybe that’s just my candy popcorn hangover speaking.